the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
