p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
