i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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