happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
