I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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