you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
