Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
