My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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