Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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