Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
