Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
