I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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