Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
