Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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