I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
