I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just had sex on a roof
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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