watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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