do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
