my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
