I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he was CRYING into my vagina
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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