just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
