I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I met the friendliest cop last night
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
