I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
