I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
