It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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