so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
