it was like eating out sand paper
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
