dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
