Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
