Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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