: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
