Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
