New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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