So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
