He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
