you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
