don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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