Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
