btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
