Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
