The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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