guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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