I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
