Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
