Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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