dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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