it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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