i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
