Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
