Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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