put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
